god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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