Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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