He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize