you have to choose: penises or morals?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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