Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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