Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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