if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
