you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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