Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
