Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
