Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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