She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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