i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
