I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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