i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
