You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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