Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
