Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
