I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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