I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
