she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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