I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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