I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
