I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I checked into jail on foursquare
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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