I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
