just come out here and I will go home with you...
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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