i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
