i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
