So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
