i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
