Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
