do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
