okay pat passed out under dana's car
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
