So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
