Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
