Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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