it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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