just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
