omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
