That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
