The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my liver is dry heaving
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
