I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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