shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize