Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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