So drunk its hurt
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
