Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
