Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
