hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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