I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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