defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
two words...techno handjob
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
