watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
