I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
