My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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