He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
