remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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