TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
