Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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