weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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